I think there is this part of emotions that I chose to ignore and chunk aside. I thought that it would be gone if I just not think about it, but it did not. These days, I am not thinking about this thing called love, because I have other things to be worried about and I dont know who to talk to about. I am honestly afraid. Only new staff in a totally new environment. Just a simple conversation makes me feel so touched. I really appreciate colleagues who tries to talk to me. Friends tell me that it is not possible to make friends in the working environment and I secretly hope that this is untrue. Everyday, I report to work and see the same people. Is it not possible to make friends?

Being an adult. I am now an adult. I have responsibilities coming my way. Is the money I earn enough? So many things to worry about. Sigh, I need to feel better soon.

Was it because I was too happy ytd? I thought I made a new friend but wow, what a joke. Why do I have a feeling that he is being nice just because I wear nicer ytd? LOL, seriously joke leh. How can he say those words. They were so glaring. "Why do I need to help her? She is a dancer what, dancer got a lot of strength one." Wow, you not gentlemantly then say la. Pattern slowly coming out liao lor. Last time still help me open door, ask me walk first. Now kns la please. Just because today she wear nice then like that la. Idiot, the girl also one kind on leh seriously. Talk to me then like not happy, talk to him so happy wor. Sigh, shouldn't have trusted him so much ytd. Now regretting so much. Breathe in, breathe out. Positive mind, positive vibes, positive life. No one helps u in the working world. Only u help urself. Jiayou.

Actually, what I wanted to hear, were just some consolation, instead of those "Yeah, I told u so."

Friends who I thought I can rely on. Where are they?

Such a joke right Shiyun.

Hahaha, even I want to laugh at you right now.

Everyone seems to be so busy with their own life. What about me? What about mine?

Who do I go to?

U know, what I wanted to hear was just, "You are alright, someone who appreciates you will come soon."

But no one said that. No one did.

要我怎么忘记，要我怎么放弃？

Have been really active in this space recently, and its not a good thing at all, because I am only active when I am upset about stuff.

I ended the episode yesterday, or ok, this morning to be exact. LOL. Yesterday, I told myself that I will text him one last time to confirm what he is feeling towards me. Whether there is like what the tarot cards say, great potential between us and that the reply will be a positive one. I decided to send the message because I dont want myself to regret years later, when I see him attached, telling myself that the girl could be me and that I see myself in that girl. I dont want this to happen again just like it did before. So, after brainwashing myself and preparing myself for all sort of possibilities, I told myself that I will text him just before my dance class so that I wont touch my phone for an hour, and when class end, I will see the message! Sounds like a good plan right? But it didnt work out.

I sent "Hey, how were your projects? Hope it went well!". Its just like what the youtuber said, keep it light. This message is so normal, normal friends will also send these kind of messages. However, he didnt reply and I could see his last seen, although as usual, he dont bother reading the message and dont bother blue ticking me. I totally wasnt expecting this because I thought, if he already sensed something, he could have just ended the whole conversation by, "Hey, yea it went well! Thanks!". But nope, no replies. I was angry, I was upset. I mean, as a girl, my criteria is not that bad? My looks are above average when I put on makeup and dress up. My intelligence? Its above average as well. I know how to dance. I am the kind of girl that guys will eye candy in class. So, who are you to do this kind of thing to me. My heart didnt break at all this time round. I was so angry and shock that someone can be so self-centered and rude. You mean you dont even have the time to end the conversation? You mean, as a 23 year old guy, you dont know how to stop a girl or am afraid of one? I cant believe it, totally. I am so shocked that my sixth sense failed terribly this time and you are totally not the guy that I imagined you to be. I thought you were a gentleman, super gentle and sensitive with your words and actions. I thought you were serious and stable and know how to treat a girl right. I thought you were really busy and want to make sure that your replies are nice, which explains the late replies. I thought and truly believed. But, you are not. It was a facade, something that I imagined you to be but totally the opposite. I hated you for being like this, giving mixed signals.

And so, just when I gave up and woke up, realising that you are a super rude and egoistic person, you replied. You replied with 4 sentences with emoji. What does that mean? The messages were totally none of the possibilities that I thought would be. His reply: "haha yea submitted everything on friday! Damn shag though. Stayed overnight on Thursday and only slept at 9am. Now got 1 week before finals haha." Why do you give so much information when you arent interested to continue a conversation? Giving me hope once again. But, he replied just before he went to sleep, which means, he doesnt bother about my reply, at all. He just am entertaining me. And so, this time round, I wanna be the cool one and replied this morning: "Wow, that sounds damn shag. Haha ok, rest well and all the best for your finals!". This time round, he blue tick me. Which means? All this while, he didnt blue tick me because he is afraid that I would spread bad stuff about him. If I didnt blue tick him, it gives me hope which doesnt make him such a bad guy. He just didnt read it and thats why didnt reply. What a jerk. And you know what, he just illustrated how rude a person can be. Isnt it normal for someone to reply "Thanks" to that message? Wow, bringing rude to a whole new level.

Anyway, I have grown much from this incident. It has shown me how some friends can be trusted and how some just want to watch drama. It told me that there is nothing wrong in girl initiating the first move, because its not just about the person, its about me as well. I dont want to look back and regret for not trying. This time round, it didnt work out, but i tried and there is no regrets at all. He said he would text me but he didnt so I dont want to regret and texted him instead. He didnt reply and read the message so I texted him just in case he missed the message. He said he was busy and so I waiting 2 weeks later and then texted him. He didnt show interest and so thats it. No point doing anything more. Years later, I will just laugh at myself doing these silly stuff but I wont regret, asking myself whether it is possible between me and him, because I tried and it didnt work out. It is not just about him, its about me as well. I finally understood this point and I guess from now onwards, things will be better because I know where I stand and if I were to meet a guy who is attractive and nice, I would know what to do now, instead of hiding in one corner and hoping and praying that things would magically work out between me and him. Yup, so good job to me. And to you, I hope you become less rude and self-centered. Goodbye.

Had such a good night sleep last night. I always thought I wasnt stressed about my final year project but I guess I just sort of hid it so well that even I didnt realise I was so worried and stressed over it. Yesterday, the moment when I finished my presentation, the relief, the smile on my face, I will never forget. The relief was so great, I instantly felt so much lighter and I wasnt even kidding.

I guess one thing I understood through my final year project is letting go of people who are self-centred. It is through the stressful period that you see how a person change his or her face, just because of his or her self-centredness. Some people just shut you off because they are "busy", they have "a lot of things to do". You know, I just need 5min of your time to reply my text, I just need half an hour of your time to have a meal. Have the thought ever crossed your mind that I am talking to you and wanting a meetup because I have something to say or need someone to talk to? Just because I appear chirpy and am laughing out loud during lectures, doesnt mean I am not stressed up.  

Yes, you are busy, am I not? I have FYP as well, I have 2 other mods to take, I have 2 part time jobs, I learn dance outside. Is this a "busy" compeitition? Its just whether you want to make time, whether I am in one of your priorities. There is never an end to busyness. Friendship requires effort from both sides.

When someone tells me he or she is busy, my first instinct is that he or she needs encouragement and someone to talk to to relief their stress. It is to me, not an indication of me bothering him or her. So if I am, just say, "talk to you next time" instead of "I am busy", then I will get the hint.

Are you busy or are you self-centred? There's a difference.

What a plot twist yesterday. I never thought things like this could happen. I am really very upset and really want to hate J for doing that. But then again, he already didnt reply me in the first place, so maybe this doesnt have an impact as well.

But I really dont understand what he is doing. What does he mean by "I shy ma."

Sighhhh, my heart is really very broken this time round. He is the first guy that I cried so much for and tried so hard to make this possible. In the end, this happened. How can he be so indecisive. Why not just end the convo and end it on a good note?

When will I find a guy who truly loves me and whom I love as well?

Will this be possible?

I felt like a fool thinking back on this past month. The tears I shed, the joy I had, the things I imagined.

Hey Shaun,

What are you thinking?