Today, I think I need to pen down all my thoughts. This has been dragging too long and I feel that I have been on a roller coaster ride, just that this roller coaster ride, the depressions seem to be so low, and frequent, that I feel that the ups arent enough to compensate with.

It all started from the primary school gathering. For the past 10 years or so, this person, S, has never been in my mind or memory before. We have never been friends to begin with, even in primary school. The only memory I have of him, is a guy who is super irritating and is very bad in Chinese. He is a very smart guy, the kind whom I feel that is of different league as me. He is very English, and whenever I talk to him, I fear that he wouldnt be able to understand what I am trying to say. He likes to touch and pat girls' head, like the way he pats a dog. And whenever he does that to me, I get super irritated and I really hate it at that point of time because whenever he does that to me, I score very badly for tests or exams. He was fat and is totally just the kind of guy who I feel I would never catch up with after I graduate. I even forgot that I have this friend on facebook and that this person exists in the class chat. On that day itself, I was looking forward to meeting my primary school crush and sweetheart. I totally forgot about the existence of this person. Then, at the moment when I knew my primary school crush ain't coming, I thought, ok, let me just enjoy myself today. Until I saw on the chat that S is coming. I didnt feel anything at that time because this person, I dont really care whether he is coming or not. When he arrived, I just thought, oh wow this person grew up well and became really cute. Thats all.

I ate happily, catching up with the girls on my table. Then, all of us decided to go somewhere else and I suggested going for desserts. All of the people agreed and went to a cafe nearby. While walking there, I heard S and SF talking and suddenly saying my name. I turned and SF started talking to me and catching up with the past. S was just in front listening. We then reached the cafe and SF started saying that S is interested in me? At that point I was really honoured because I have never expected myself to be able to attract him? Like what I said, we were of different leagues. Then came the truth game and they took a while and discuss what question to ask me. In the end, SF said that S wants to ask me how many official boyfriends I have had. I said none, and I remember his head popping out and with those enlarged dark pupils, he asked me whether it was true. I nodded. Throughout the whole time, I caught times whereby he was staring at me. When we were walking to the MRT station, he was beside me all the while, but just didnt talk. When he came, he said that he may have to leave earlier because he has an assignment that is gonna be due. But in the end he stayed. When we were walking to the MRT station, SF suddenly suggested going to a food court and asked if everyone wants to go. I said I have to leave by 11.30pm and S said he could stay as well. So we went to the food court and again we were near each other. I remember clearly that he asked me what I was studying. I replied NUS stats, we then stared at each other and he walked off quickly to the front after that. After that we reached the train station. The others were walking slowly at the back and the 2 of us happen to be at the front. I remember the train station, bukit panjang mrt. We tapped out and were waiting for the rest when I suddenly asked him, where do you stay? A conversation between us then ignited. We talked about exchange, job hunting, school. The walk from bukit panjang mrt to lrt, the times when we are staring at each other's eyes. I thought they were real, I actually had the feeling that this guy is the right guy, and that he is the one that I have been waiting for for the past 23 years of my life. I sincerely thought so and felt so. After going home that day, I couldnt forget the moment, I thought of ways to want to contact him again. And I finally decided on contacting SF.

I dont know whether it is a wrong move to begin with. After texting him, the whole story ended with, S will talk to you after next week, he is having exams. My interpretation was that he is going to text me after next week, and so for the whole week, I was waiting, waiting for his text. In the end, it didnt happen. I texted SF and he asked me to initiate instead. I did, and he did reply. On sunday, his reply was rather quick, around an hr or so. If he checks his phone, he would reply me. But then when monday arrives, it all went downhill. He took longer and longer to reply me and sometimes his last seen are so recent but he doesnt even bother reading my texts, which means he doesnt even bother to blue tick me. I took it that he is really very busy since he said that he has a lot of projects. But because he still replies me within the day itself, I didnt feel bad and thought he was really busy.

Until one day, he took 1.5 days to reply me. Then he took 2 days and more and didnt reply me. I was so so so upset. If you are really busy, you could just end the conversation and say that you are busy and talk to me soon? I will get the message and move on? But he didnt. When he replies, he just pretend that there is nothing wrong with his late replies and continued the conversation. He not only replied me, but asks questions. Thats why I thought he wanted to continue the conversation but he is busy. But then my friends started telling me that no one is ever so busy.

Deep down in my heart, i know this is true. I just need 5 minutes of your time. If you are really interested, no matter how busy you are, you will take an excuse, read and reply my messages. You wouldnt be able to take 2 days and not read the message because you would be afraid that she would be gone when you replied. I always tell myself that, and told myself that if he were to reply, I am gonna end the conversation. But I couldnt make myself do it when I read his messages because I dont want to let go of such a great guy. I dont know whether it would be possible for me to find someone like him ever again. And then I replied enthusiastically and ended up waiting for his text and get my heart broken when he doesnt again.

Yesterday, he didnt reply and read my messages after 2 full days and it was the weekends. My friends told me to text him a new topic and sees if he replies and based on his reply, I would then be able to assess whether he wants to continue the conversation. He replied to not only the question I asked him, but also to the previous messages. He even said that he was busy with projects because deadlines are coming up in the next 2 weeks and even put a double sad face. From my point of view, I feel that this is not ending the conversation and he is explaining to me that he is very busy which explains why he didnt read my messages. And he asks questions which means that he wants to continue the conversation. These are what I interpreted from his replies. And then before I knew it, because of his positive replies, I sunk in again. I forgive him immediately and went to text him again and then expectedly again, I got my heart broken again.

I really dont understand. Those eyes, I thought those eyes wont lie. I saw it clearly and I thought at that moment, this is true. I couldnt explain it but I seriously thought that this time, he is going to be the one. My six sense has always been so accurate and I trusted them. Thats why I dont understand all these and dont want to let it go. But I guess I have beem so upset these days that I think I shouldnt do this anymore.

Whenever I tell my friends, they seem to be judging me, thinking that I am very desperate, desperate for his texts. But they dont understand because they were not the one who were in that situation and I feel that none of them wants to know how I am feeling except for my bestcliqueever? This feeling, I really havent had ever since Q? The rest of the guys these years, I could just let them go so easily, without feeling anything and could actually laugh about the whole issue. But this time round, it is so hard for me. I remember myself crying so hard at night that my eye bags came out. I remember myself walking home and crying on the trains. I remember the relief I felt when he suddenly replied me. I remember not daring to check my phone because I am afraid to see a no reply from him. Even now, I felt like crying even while typing these chunks of message?

I always feel that a crude reply is better than a no reply.

I just deleted his chat away. I need to feel better soon. I need to move on. There will definitely be someone out there for me. Wo ke yi de. Jiayou.