Have been really active in this space recently, and its not a good thing at all, because I am only active when I am upset about stuff.

I ended the episode yesterday, or ok, this morning to be exact. LOL. Yesterday, I told myself that I will text him one last time to confirm what he is feeling towards me. Whether there is like what the tarot cards say, great potential between us and that the reply will be a positive one. I decided to send the message because I dont want myself to regret years later, when I see him attached, telling myself that the girl could be me and that I see myself in that girl. I dont want this to happen again just like it did before. So, after brainwashing myself and preparing myself for all sort of possibilities, I told myself that I will text him just before my dance class so that I wont touch my phone for an hour, and when class end, I will see the message! Sounds like a good plan right? But it didnt work out.

I sent "Hey, how were your projects? Hope it went well!". Its just like what the youtuber said, keep it light. This message is so normal, normal friends will also send these kind of messages. However, he didnt reply and I could see his last seen, although as usual, he dont bother reading the message and dont bother blue ticking me. I totally wasnt expecting this because I thought, if he already sensed something, he could have just ended the whole conversation by, "Hey, yea it went well! Thanks!". But nope, no replies. I was angry, I was upset. I mean, as a girl, my criteria is not that bad? My looks are above average when I put on makeup and dress up. My intelligence? Its above average as well. I know how to dance. I am the kind of girl that guys will eye candy in class. So, who are you to do this kind of thing to me. My heart didnt break at all this time round. I was so angry and shock that someone can be so self-centered and rude. You mean you dont even have the time to end the conversation? You mean, as a 23 year old guy, you dont know how to stop a girl or am afraid of one? I cant believe it, totally. I am so shocked that my sixth sense failed terribly this time and you are totally not the guy that I imagined you to be. I thought you were a gentleman, super gentle and sensitive with your words and actions. I thought you were serious and stable and know how to treat a girl right. I thought you were really busy and want to make sure that your replies are nice, which explains the late replies. I thought and truly believed. But, you are not. It was a facade, something that I imagined you to be but totally the opposite. I hated you for being like this, giving mixed signals.

And so, just when I gave up and woke up, realising that you are a super rude and egoistic person, you replied. You replied with 4 sentences with emoji. What does that mean? The messages were totally none of the possibilities that I thought would be. His reply: "haha yea submitted everything on friday! Damn shag though. Stayed overnight on Thursday and only slept at 9am. Now got 1 week before finals haha." Why do you give so much information when you arent interested to continue a conversation? Giving me hope once again. But, he replied just before he went to sleep, which means, he doesnt bother about my reply, at all. He just am entertaining me. And so, this time round, I wanna be the cool one and replied this morning: "Wow, that sounds damn shag. Haha ok, rest well and all the best for your finals!". This time round, he blue tick me. Which means? All this while, he didnt blue tick me because he is afraid that I would spread bad stuff about him. If I didnt blue tick him, it gives me hope which doesnt make him such a bad guy. He just didnt read it and thats why didnt reply. What a jerk. And you know what, he just illustrated how rude a person can be. Isnt it normal for someone to reply "Thanks" to that message? Wow, bringing rude to a whole new level.

Anyway, I have grown much from this incident. It has shown me how some friends can be trusted and how some just want to watch drama. It told me that there is nothing wrong in girl initiating the first move, because its not just about the person, its about me as well. I dont want to look back and regret for not trying. This time round, it didnt work out, but i tried and there is no regrets at all. He said he would text me but he didnt so I dont want to regret and texted him instead. He didnt reply and read the message so I texted him just in case he missed the message. He said he was busy and so I waiting 2 weeks later and then texted him. He didnt show interest and so thats it. No point doing anything more. Years later, I will just laugh at myself doing these silly stuff but I wont regret, asking myself whether it is possible between me and him, because I tried and it didnt work out. It is not just about him, its about me as well. I finally understood this point and I guess from now onwards, things will be better because I know where I stand and if I were to meet a guy who is attractive and nice, I would know what to do now, instead of hiding in one corner and hoping and praying that things would magically work out between me and him. Yup, so good job to me. And to you, I hope you become less rude and self-centered. Goodbye.

Had such a good night sleep last night. I always thought I wasnt stressed about my final year project but I guess I just sort of hid it so well that even I didnt realise I was so worried and stressed over it. Yesterday, the moment when I finished my presentation, the relief, the smile on my face, I will never forget. The relief was so great, I instantly felt so much lighter and I wasnt even kidding.

I guess one thing I understood through my final year project is letting go of people who are self-centred. It is through the stressful period that you see how a person change his or her face, just because of his or her self-centredness. Some people just shut you off because they are "busy", they have "a lot of things to do". You know, I just need 5min of your time to reply my text, I just need half an hour of your time to have a meal. Have the thought ever crossed your mind that I am talking to you and wanting a meetup because I have something to say or need someone to talk to? Just because I appear chirpy and am laughing out loud during lectures, doesnt mean I am not stressed up.  

Yes, you are busy, am I not? I have FYP as well, I have 2 other mods to take, I have 2 part time jobs, I learn dance outside. Is this a "busy" compeitition? Its just whether you want to make time, whether I am in one of your priorities. There is never an end to busyness. Friendship requires effort from both sides.

When someone tells me he or she is busy, my first instinct is that he or she needs encouragement and someone to talk to to relief their stress. It is to me, not an indication of me bothering him or her. So if I am, just say, "talk to you next time" instead of "I am busy", then I will get the hint.

Are you busy or are you self-centred? There's a difference.

What a plot twist yesterday. I never thought things like this could happen. I am really very upset and really want to hate J for doing that. But then again, he already didnt reply me in the first place, so maybe this doesnt have an impact as well.

But I really dont understand what he is doing. What does he mean by "I shy ma."

Sighhhh, my heart is really very broken this time round. He is the first guy that I cried so much for and tried so hard to make this possible. In the end, this happened. How can he be so indecisive. Why not just end the convo and end it on a good note?

When will I find a guy who truly loves me and whom I love as well?

Will this be possible?

I felt like a fool thinking back on this past month. The tears I shed, the joy I had, the things I imagined.

Hey Shaun,

What are you thinking?

You know, I want to believe that you are busy too. But after so many days, I think I cannot be that positive and optimistic anymore?

Did you choose not to read my message or have you already read but switched off your blue tick?

Are you really that busy? Because your instagram doesnt seem so.

I guess I have to let you go.

When can my hesrt be healed?

I dont know.

The worse kind of stuff you can do to a girl, is to give her hope, and then crush it without any notice.

I have decided to move on with my life and not desperately wait for a text that may or may not come, a convo that may or may not continue. We are not even friends to begin with, he is already a nice person to be continuing the convo and replying when he is free, even though is could take days. I guess my friends are right, we are not anything, he doesnt have any obligations to reply me. He doesnt have any obligations to continue the conversation when he is already so busy. It is not that he is not interested in me, he doesnt even have the time to think of the possibility between the 2 of us. He doesnt read the messages, maybe because he has no really no time to continue this lame conversation with me. If he reads, being a nice guy, he will reply. If he replies, I will reply. And then the cycle repeats. Now that he is so busy, perhaps he is thinking, let me reply her when I am done with all these shit. Or, he could be thinking, I am too busy to continue the conversation but I dont want to hurt her either, so lets just leave the convo there and not click in coz of the blue ticks. There are lots of possibilities but the main point is, he has a life outside that does not revolves around me, at least for now it isnt. Because indeed, now we have no relationship and association with each other. So, my life should not revolves around him as well.

I always believe strongly in my 6th sense because it is always so accurate. When I see this guy and girl together, I sort of get the feeling that they will be together, or not. This time round, I shall believe in my 6th sense, on myself. That day, people can say that it is love at first sight, because they are not me. But for me, that day, that moment, it truly felt that he was the right one, the right person, the right fit. I have never felt myself being so gentle and want to lean onto someone and exchange glances with someone without being shy at all, even though my heart was still pounding. It has been a long time since I am with someone who I feel comfortable with but at the same time not treating him in the friend zone area. It has been so long since I hope that the meeting is forever and that I dont mind going after someone because he is that great. I believe that he feels the same way about me because his eyes dont lie.

I believe that he will come back when he is done with all his projects and not so busy. I believe in myself and him. I believe in fate, I believe in my sixth sense.

I believe that he will be back, and he will be my first and perhaps, only.

I believe.

Today, I think I need to pen down all my thoughts. This has been dragging too long and I feel that I have been on a roller coaster ride, just that this roller coaster ride, the depressions seem to be so low, and frequent, that I feel that the ups arent enough to compensate with.

It all started from the primary school gathering. For the past 10 years or so, this person, S, has never been in my mind or memory before. We have never been friends to begin with, even in primary school. The only memory I have of him, is a guy who is super irritating and is very bad in Chinese. He is a very smart guy, the kind whom I feel that is of different league as me. He is very English, and whenever I talk to him, I fear that he wouldnt be able to understand what I am trying to say. He likes to touch and pat girls' head, like the way he pats a dog. And whenever he does that to me, I get super irritated and I really hate it at that point of time because whenever he does that to me, I score very badly for tests or exams. He was fat and is totally just the kind of guy who I feel I would never catch up with after I graduate. I even forgot that I have this friend on facebook and that this person exists in the class chat. On that day itself, I was looking forward to meeting my primary school crush and sweetheart. I totally forgot about the existence of this person. Then, at the moment when I knew my primary school crush ain't coming, I thought, ok, let me just enjoy myself today. Until I saw on the chat that S is coming. I didnt feel anything at that time because this person, I dont really care whether he is coming or not. When he arrived, I just thought, oh wow this person grew up well and became really cute. Thats all.

I ate happily, catching up with the girls on my table. Then, all of us decided to go somewhere else and I suggested going for desserts. All of the people agreed and went to a cafe nearby. While walking there, I heard S and SF talking and suddenly saying my name. I turned and SF started talking to me and catching up with the past. S was just in front listening. We then reached the cafe and SF started saying that S is interested in me? At that point I was really honoured because I have never expected myself to be able to attract him? Like what I said, we were of different leagues. Then came the truth game and they took a while and discuss what question to ask me. In the end, SF said that S wants to ask me how many official boyfriends I have had. I said none, and I remember his head popping out and with those enlarged dark pupils, he asked me whether it was true. I nodded. Throughout the whole time, I caught times whereby he was staring at me. When we were walking to the MRT station, he was beside me all the while, but just didnt talk. When he came, he said that he may have to leave earlier because he has an assignment that is gonna be due. But in the end he stayed. When we were walking to the MRT station, SF suddenly suggested going to a food court and asked if everyone wants to go. I said I have to leave by 11.30pm and S said he could stay as well. So we went to the food court and again we were near each other. I remember clearly that he asked me what I was studying. I replied NUS stats, we then stared at each other and he walked off quickly to the front after that. After that we reached the train station. The others were walking slowly at the back and the 2 of us happen to be at the front. I remember the train station, bukit panjang mrt. We tapped out and were waiting for the rest when I suddenly asked him, where do you stay? A conversation between us then ignited. We talked about exchange, job hunting, school. The walk from bukit panjang mrt to lrt, the times when we are staring at each other's eyes. I thought they were real, I actually had the feeling that this guy is the right guy, and that he is the one that I have been waiting for for the past 23 years of my life. I sincerely thought so and felt so. After going home that day, I couldnt forget the moment, I thought of ways to want to contact him again. And I finally decided on contacting SF.

I dont know whether it is a wrong move to begin with. After texting him, the whole story ended with, S will talk to you after next week, he is having exams. My interpretation was that he is going to text me after next week, and so for the whole week, I was waiting, waiting for his text. In the end, it didnt happen. I texted SF and he asked me to initiate instead. I did, and he did reply. On sunday, his reply was rather quick, around an hr or so. If he checks his phone, he would reply me. But then when monday arrives, it all went downhill. He took longer and longer to reply me and sometimes his last seen are so recent but he doesnt even bother reading my texts, which means he doesnt even bother to blue tick me. I took it that he is really very busy since he said that he has a lot of projects. But because he still replies me within the day itself, I didnt feel bad and thought he was really busy.

Until one day, he took 1.5 days to reply me. Then he took 2 days and more and didnt reply me. I was so so so upset. If you are really busy, you could just end the conversation and say that you are busy and talk to me soon? I will get the message and move on? But he didnt. When he replies, he just pretend that there is nothing wrong with his late replies and continued the conversation. He not only replied me, but asks questions. Thats why I thought he wanted to continue the conversation but he is busy. But then my friends started telling me that no one is ever so busy.

Deep down in my heart, i know this is true. I just need 5 minutes of your time. If you are really interested, no matter how busy you are, you will take an excuse, read and reply my messages. You wouldnt be able to take 2 days and not read the message because you would be afraid that she would be gone when you replied. I always tell myself that, and told myself that if he were to reply, I am gonna end the conversation. But I couldnt make myself do it when I read his messages because I dont want to let go of such a great guy. I dont know whether it would be possible for me to find someone like him ever again. And then I replied enthusiastically and ended up waiting for his text and get my heart broken when he doesnt again.

Yesterday, he didnt reply and read my messages after 2 full days and it was the weekends. My friends told me to text him a new topic and sees if he replies and based on his reply, I would then be able to assess whether he wants to continue the conversation. He replied to not only the question I asked him, but also to the previous messages. He even said that he was busy with projects because deadlines are coming up in the next 2 weeks and even put a double sad face. From my point of view, I feel that this is not ending the conversation and he is explaining to me that he is very busy which explains why he didnt read my messages. And he asks questions which means that he wants to continue the conversation. These are what I interpreted from his replies. And then before I knew it, because of his positive replies, I sunk in again. I forgive him immediately and went to text him again and then expectedly again, I got my heart broken again.

I really dont understand. Those eyes, I thought those eyes wont lie. I saw it clearly and I thought at that moment, this is true. I couldnt explain it but I seriously thought that this time, he is going to be the one. My six sense has always been so accurate and I trusted them. Thats why I dont understand all these and dont want to let it go. But I guess I have beem so upset these days that I think I shouldnt do this anymore.

Whenever I tell my friends, they seem to be judging me, thinking that I am very desperate, desperate for his texts. But they dont understand because they were not the one who were in that situation and I feel that none of them wants to know how I am feeling except for my bestcliqueever? This feeling, I really havent had ever since Q? The rest of the guys these years, I could just let them go so easily, without feeling anything and could actually laugh about the whole issue. But this time round, it is so hard for me. I remember myself crying so hard at night that my eye bags came out. I remember myself walking home and crying on the trains. I remember the relief I felt when he suddenly replied me. I remember not daring to check my phone because I am afraid to see a no reply from him. Even now, I felt like crying even while typing these chunks of message?

I always feel that a crude reply is better than a no reply.

I just deleted his chat away. I need to feel better soon. I need to move on. There will definitely be someone out there for me. Wo ke yi de. Jiayou.

Are u so busy?

Do u know it really hurts when I feel that u are continuing the conversation but second guessing that I am bothering u?

Can u just tell me straight and end the convo if u feel that i am bothering u?

I hate it when u end with a qn and I have to answer and then I end with a qn and wait for your reply. Because I am afraid that there will be no reply.

I said that my interview starts at 3, cant u just say good luck? Or is it like what they said, u are afraid that i will end the convo? No, please, if i want to end the convo, i wouldnt have texted u in the first place? And if u want to continue, wouldnt u already text me after 3, asking me how my interview went?

Are u that busy or am I that insignificant? Are u that confident that I would still be there? Just because I made the first move, u think I will stay?

I am very tired. Tired of second guessing, tired of waiting for your reply. I havent been sleeping well since 2 weeks ago? I cried till I have no more tears for u alr. But my heart still aches every night, and every vibration I hear from my phone makes me wake up and want to see if the text is from you. I hate u for making me feel this way. I hate that u are in SMU and I dont know when these project shit ends. I hate wanting to end the convo myself because I am afraid that you dont want to end it and I lose the chance because of this.

Why cant people be more direct and dont play mind games. I am really tired.